Hello buddies! Today I leave for a 3-month trip to Europe, but before I go, I wanted to update you on a vacation I took in Cabo San Lucas. I am keeping this post in diary format since it is, after all, from my diary.
Saturday, July 21, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico (recorded on August 18, 2018)
As I sat at the bar in the airport T.G.I. Friday’s a man and woman, strangers, struck up a conversation next to me. The man was apparently a screenwriter in LA, so of course he found a way to mention this as soon as humanly possibly. Apparently right now he is working on a project called “Horror Scopes” starring Ralph Macchio. How very thrilling.
I arrived at the Playa Grande Resort a couple of hours after my friends, so of course by the time I got there, they were already drinking at the swim-up bar. I dragged my heavy ass suitcase all the way down to the beach to meet them, sweating like a gringo in my jeans and sneakers. I was dying. I can’t believe none of the resort employees intercepted me. I was kind of mad, but then once I put on my swimsuit, got in the pool, and had a drink I felt about a million times better. WE WERE FINALLY ON VACATION.
Sunday, July 22, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
We went to the Blue Marlin Ibiza and rented a cabana with bottle service like millionaires or something. It was hot as hell and I was really worried about getting sunburned. I was feeling very insecure in my bikini. But after a couple of vodka sodas, I didn’t feel so bad anymore. I enjoyed relaxing in the pool. The DJ was playing really cool chillwave music.
There were a bunch of asshole girls from LA on the other side of the pool. The kind of women who get blowouts before going to a pool and then don’t go in the water below mid-thigh so they can show off their bods. Of course, I guess if I spent that much time, effort, and money on my body, I would want to show it off too. Alas, my job is not to be professionally looked at. Actually, I’m glad that it’s not.
We enjoyed spying on people. There were definitely some male lurkers scoping out a bachelorette party. One man tried to approach Alicia. She gave him a business-like handshake. Dane and I were further away, watching the whole thing. The man then turned to us and said, “That was the most professional handshake I’ve ever had.” I said, “She’s married.” He said, “Her husband must be proud of her”, not realizing that he was talking to her husband. He had a huge back tattoo of the word “DANCER” for no apparent reason.
One thing I found interest about Cabo was all the people selling their wares on the beach. They’re literally everywhere, and they never stop asking you to buy stuff. Skittle wanted to buy a hat, so I went onto the beach with her to help her buy one. As soon as we stopped one hat salesman, a dozen other people stopped to show us their product. It was insane.
We literally burned the bottoms of our feet off running back into the club. Mine peeled off later.
For dinner we went to Captain Tony’s. The beer there was so cheap – like $1.50 for a draft. We had guac made at the table. I ordered this delicious riceless sushi dish. I believe it was crab wrapped in tuna and topped with avocado. FANTASTIC. A mariachi band came to our table and asked us if we wanted a song. “Despacito? La Bamba? Tequila?” I guess these are the only three Spanish language songs that Americans know. I asked for “La Bamba”. I really hate when people play music for me, because I don’t know what to do with myself. I settled for some lite table dancing and then a tip.
Next we went to Tiki Bar, where they had 2 for 1 drink specials. We weren’t feeling particularly energetic , so we just hung out and watched music videos there. Next we went to La Vacquita (The Little Cow), which had cow print everywhere and was very strange. Finally, we went to Mandala, where we saw some a couple doing a meth-induced grind on the dance floor.
Monday, July 23, 2018 Cabo San Lucas
My friends were taking forever to get ready for breakfast, so I went down to the beach by myself. The Playa Grande Resort, where we are staying, is on the Pacific Side of the peninsula. The waves are really intense, so you can’t go swimming there. Apparently on the first day, however, Dane just ran into the ocean and tried to swim until a hotel employee yelled at him to get out. He told me the waves were so powerful, he felt like he almost broke his arm. Anyways, I went down there to test out my new camera and I saw stingrays jumping out of the water. I also passed a turtle pond, where I saw turtles on top of turtles on top of turtles.
We had breakfast at the buffet. I had an omelet and fruit. The fruit is SO GOOD in Mexico. I would move to Mexico just for the fruit situation, honestly. And the seafood situation.
Originally Alicia had planned for us to trek to another beach, but we were feeling lazy so we just hung out at the swim up bar and people watched. We were especially delighted by a woman whom we nicknamed “Sheila”. She was probably in her mid-40’s, brassy blonde hair, single and ready to mingle. At one awkward moment, she tried to call over a man at the bar and he said, “Sorry, I’m married!” Ahhhhhhh. Later, I heard her talking about kim chi to a man. He asked who that was, and she said, “First name Kim, last name Chi.” We died. She also yelled, “THANK YOU FOR BEING A FIREFIGHTER!” to another man.
Is this my future? As a single woman?
Anyways, I spotted a woman in the pool who at the omelette station had told me about how she lives in Houston, and had to flush her toilet with bottled water for two weeks. Just out of nowhere. She was wearing a pretty daring bikini for her age, and sitting on her husbands lap and I swear to god that they were doing it in the pool. Just casual penetration, in front of everyone.
We called them “The Public Fornicators” for the rest of the trip.
In the evening, the resort put on a Mexican Fiesta. We were somehow roped into this at breakfast the previous day, but it was all you could eat and drink so we thought, why not? We were BUSTING out of our pants. I ate like 12 desserts. The resort put on some entertainment with crowd participation. You should have seen these people trying to get onstage. People around us were standing on their chairs, hollering and hooting, “PICK ME PICK ME!” Every on-stage challenge involve the participant debasing themselves in some way and then taking a shot of tequila.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
We went on our “Luxury Boat Cruise” today. The cruise was supposed to take us from the marina to a beach where we could go snorkeling, while the staff served us with all we could eat and drink.
Unfortunately, the water was extremely choppy, which made both eating and drinking difficult. I managed to choke down a few palomas. When we reached the beach, they told us we couldn’t go snorkeling because the water was too rough. They did, however, allow us to go into the water for a few minutes with life vests sloppily tied around our waists. I would have preferred to wear it the regular way, since this way my breasts were basically 1mm from coming out of my swimsuit. They kept yelling at us to get closer to the boat out of fear that we would be dashed upon the rocks. I felt like the entire time I was out there, I was just swimming to get back to the boat. But the water felt nice!
Once everyone was back on board, the crew told us the way back would be rough and that they would take all of our bags and belongings into the cabin to safekeeping. Thank God for that. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to reapply sunscreen after swimming. My feet were especially fried.
For the next hour, we were literally flying from wave to wave. The front of the pontoon boat had a net where you could lay and watch the water go beneath you. Alicia, Dane, and Skittle laid on the net while I sat behind, holding onto my hat like I was on a mechanical bull. I noticed that Dane had his face straight down on the net, which I thought was strange, until I realized he was PUKING. At some point one of the crew came to give him water. He looked up, one lens missing from his sunglasses, and then just puked all over the side of the boat. Everyone groaned. I think some of it landed on a girl in the front who was trying to look hot. The crew helped him up and brought him below deck, then I took his place on the net while a kindly volunteer held onto my hat.
But other than that, it was actually really fun! It was cool to see all the marine life and I personally enjoyed bouncing on the waves.
Once we got back to the marina, my hat flew off, never to be seen again. Amazing that it made it through that entire ordeal, only to fly off once we were safely in the marina.
For dinner we went to The Office, which was really cute. They had a bunch of brightly colored tables with ornate, white-painted iron chairs right in the sand on the beach. There was also a live band. The food was delicious, but we all felt kind of dizzy, like we were still on a boat. Beach salesmen kept approaching the restaurant and showing off their wares. One guy was just selling strips of fabric with different sayings on them, holding them up to show everyone what he had. I’m wondering if he understood what they said, because he held up one that said “I’M FUCKED UP!” in front of a table with a bunch of children.
We ordered the bananas foster, which was prepared in front of our table in a surprisingly erotic way. Like I was weirdly turned on by how this guy was so lovingly preparing the bananas foster. Plus, it was delicious. But now I feel like we should have tipped him, and we didn’t. I never know when to tip.
There was also this guy there who I suppose was some kind of Mexican breed of clown. He went around to each table and forced people to do tequila shots while a photographer took pictures. We were hoping that we would manage to leave without this particular form of humiliation, but they made it to our table before we could ask for la cuenta.
I was the first to go. He pour tequila straight down my throat, then shook my head until I swallowed it, which he then followed with sugar water vaguely flavored like lime. Then he hit me in the face with a stuffed penis attached to his belt. That’s right, a stuffed penis. I was laughing the whole time, because what can you do? It was especially hilarious watching this happen to Alicia, I must say. Obviously we had to hang the pictures on our refrigerator.
Wednesday, July 25, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
We discovered that the Playa Grande Resort has a whole other half we had never explored yet. We went up to “The Ridge” to eat lunch.. We also enjoyed a few rounds of Dirty Monkeys, which is basically a chocolate and banana milkshake with alcohol in it. Delicious.
We parked ourselves under the pergola at the infinity pool overlooking the resort. The view from one side showed the ocean and El Arco peninsula, on the other side, the marina and town of Cabo San Lucas. It was beautiful.
While we were relaxing, we witnessed some kind of “photoshoot”. These girls took like a thousand pictures in this infinity pool, presumably for Instagram, and then left. We sat there and bitched with all the Baby Boomers. Kids these days.
Then we had a handstand competition, because that’s what we’re about.
That night we went El Squid Roe, a legendary Cabo club. It was really strange. Like I guess the decor is kind of construction-themed? Everyone in there was about 18. I brought over a guy to talk to us, but as soon as he opened his mouth, I wasn’t interested and made Skittle talk to him instead. In general, we were NOT FEELING IT, so we decided to go back to Mandala for $7 vodka sodas.
At Mandala, Skittle and I decided that we were going to dance in the hopes that one of the tables with bottle service would invite us over for a shot. We had our eyes set on some men around our own age. Since they appeared to have bodyguards, we figured they must be some kind of hot shots. Instead, a girl called us over to do shots with a bunch of 18 year old boys. These poor boys. They had no idea how to dance. It was so sad. I asked one where he went to school with the hopes that they were in college, but he told me he just graduated high school. One was sipping a dirty martini like it was juice.
I went back to the bar when a man stopped me. He said, “I remember you! Do you remember me?” I did not. “I’m the photographer from The Office!” After I realized who he was, I obviously invited him to join us because he was really cute. He’s from Cabo and was with his best friend and a girl from Madrid.
We ended up hanging out with them the rest of the night. They took us to a bar had some faulty wiring. Dane got shocked when he touched a fan and the table at the same time. We did shots with the photographer and his friends and somehow ended up back at La Vacquita. I exchanged Instagram info with the photographer, so perhaps I’ll see him again if I ever make it back to Cabo. I’m actually considering wintering in Cabo, so TBD.
Thursday, July 26, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
We were all feeling pretty crappy today after partying late into the night. At the resort commissary we purchased several bottles of Electrolit, an electrolyte formula similar to Pedialyte (but way more delicious in my opinion). We ate “breakfast” at the sports bar and it was just awful. I ordered fish tacos, which were just fried hunks of fish in dry flour tortillas. No toppings whatsoever.
The photographer invited me down to the ocean to watch him skimboard, but apparently he decided to take a nap instead. Alicia, Skittles, and I just laid around and drank water. We ordered pizza for dinner.
Friday, July 27, 2018 Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Skittle left to head back to Ohio. The photographer sent me a DM very early in the morning to invite me down to the beach. However, by the time I got there, he had left to go to work.
Alicia, Dane, and I walked all the way to Medano Beach. Along the way, we were asked about 10,000 times if we wanted to take a water taxi. Perhaps we should have, since it was hot as hell outside and we were melting.
When we finally made it to the beach, we parked our towels on the sand and proceeded to be accosted by 10,000 vendors. Alicia spent our last pesos on a chip bowl, so after that, we couldn’t buy anything at all. The water at the beach was the perfect temperature and not very rough, so we could actually enjoy swimming. However, we didn’t have any shade at all, and there’s only so much sun my skin can take, so we had to leave.
We decided to bar crawl to make the walk back to make things more bearable. That part of the day was fun! We drank a lot and ate a shit ton of sushi.
Back at the resort, we decided to have one last drink at the pool while the sun was setting. In the hot tub, we met this weird woman named Amber, who was SUPER into scuba diving. She was single and in her mid-30’s with very yellow teeth. She got into a fight with some parents for letting their kid into the adults-only pool area. We were so uncomfortable. She turned to us for support, and Dane went under the water to hide.
Saturday, July 28, 2018 Somewhere between Cabo San Lucas and Cleveland
I knew I had a long and arduous journey ahead of me, so of course I had a very restless night and could barely sleep. We left for the airport at 10am, taking another van to San José Cabo. The airport was crazy. We ate the worst nachos ever at the Corona Sports Bar – definitely do not recommend.
My flight to Charlotte was delayed, so it was total insanity once we got in. Most people had a connecting flight somewhere else, but we all had to go through customs and then back through security to catch our flights. It was a Titanic-level of traveler panic. Thank God I’ve been running so much lately, or I might have never caught my flight. I looked like a straight asshole when I got onboard, huffing and puffing while everyone was just sitting there chilling. Apparently they were all waiting for the Cabo crew to arrive.
Mom picked me up at the airport and we got home at around 1am. It was a long day. I was so happy to see my puppies. The trip unfortunately made me apprehensive about my Euro trip, since it felt like I was gone for so long, but it was really just a week.